The Mending of a Tattered Life

intothestorm77

Sometimes the shame of a messed up life can climb on your back and weigh you down until you are crawling to survive.  The days are long with worry, and the rest you need doesn’t come at night.  You avoid contact with those you know because you don’t want to be seen or looked into the eye that can reveal the disdain you feel for yourself.  And you will do anything to keep it covered.  We all have regrets that won’t be silenced.  Their relentless voices put us down, and remind us of how imperfect and smeared we are.  We lose hope that we can love or be loved…or shouldbe loved again.

As we attempt to form relationships, shame may trigger from past experience making intimacy and vulnerability a near impossibility and the pursuit of it a repeating frustration.  We lose sight of God’s presence, His power to heal…

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Easter Rise

The darkest it’s ever been

Waiting for nothing

With eyes that could not see

No power to change

The lost to living

In the night someone stirred

God had reached

Into the hopeless

And brought back life

The light returned

On Easter rise

Within a heart

Cold and shaken

Warmth flowed through

It beat again

Inside of me

Rise, O Rise

My Easter, Rise

Feel the mist of morning

Upon the skin

Sing aloud the song once hidden

That now burns my lungs

And bursts my throat

Rejoice, rejoice

Within the tomb

Love is found

Cloth of decay

Left behind renewed

Bathed in light

I stand

Alive! Alive!

My Great God

My Great Love

On Easter Rise

-by DeM

 

 

Finding Home by DeM

Curled up in a ball
Her face in a pillow
Soaked from tears
That fall, and fall, and fall

She’s crying out for Him
To hold her again
And to whisper in her heart
The brokenness will mend

She’s finding Home
It’s a longer journey
Than she wanted
She takes a step
And then another
As hope is stronger
She draws closer
To being whole
She’s finding Home

The failures of his life
Put him in the pew
He can’t scrub enough
To blot the stain from view

And now he’s at the end
He’s crying out for Him
To wash it all away
And make him clean again

He’s finding Home
It’s a longer journey
Than he wanted
He takes a step
And then another
As hope is stronger
He draws closer
To being whole
He’s finding Home

In the darkened room
A daughter strains to hear
The labored breathing
Of her mother

Inside a weary mind
A Husband calls her
To release the hand
Of her daughter

She’s finding Home
It’s a longer journey
Than she wanted
She takes a step
And then another
As hope is stronger
She draws closer
To being whole
She’s finding Home

We all get lost
And are afraid
But in our suffering
We are not alone

He promises to find us
To pull us from the ledge
To put us on His shoulders
And carry us to Home

We’re finding Home
It’s a longer journey
Than we wanted
We take a step
And then another
As hope is stronger
We draw closer
To being whole
We’re finding Home

“O Lord, you have always been our home.” – Psalm 90:1

-DeM

My Surrender

I held it tight to my chest
“No”  I repeated
“I will not”
I turned my back
And held the thing I loved
Closer still

How could I give it up
This thing that burrowed deep
That brought a smile
A euphoric release
That made me feel
Unalone
And met my need
So completely
For just a moment
If not more

Within my grasp
This thing unnoticed
Sliced my wrists
While it offered me
The sweetest taste
Of freedom, of deception
unmasked
It bled my soul

“My dear one”
The Voice ensued
“If you will trust Me now,
Believe My love for you
Has something far greater
To give
For what you hold so tight.
I will give you something Pure
Something Perfect, and Alive
That will never end
And will never fail
To meet the need inside”

I trembled and fought
But could not win
Against His love
He bound my wounds
He healed my soul
He took the broken
And made it new

In my surrender
He gifted the power to live
In my surrender
I gave Him nothing
And He gave me
Everything

Who will be the one beside you

mom giving dad oxygen

My father battled cancer for more than a year and a half.  My mother supported him and helped him daily during that time.  She was never far away, and always prepared to assist him.  During his final week, I watched my mother continuously, and how she cared for the man she loved.  My father rested in a hospital bed situated next to a large picture window in their living room.  He needed oxygen, and the cantraption can be a bit confusing to figure out how to use it correctly.  My mother put it on his head one way, but it didn’t fit correctly.  His breathing was labored, and she continued trying it one way and then another.  She was determined to get it right.  She made a joke about it, and then got it turned about properly, so that it fit into his nose and around his ears.  She patted him on the chest and asked if that was better.  He grunted affirmingly.

My father was too weak to move.  She would have to change his position in bed.  He could not go to the bathroom, so she would change his Depends.  She would wash him.  She would remove the grit from his eyes, that could barely see at all.  When he was afraid, and made a gruff comment about what was happening, she would console him with her voice and her words that everything was okay.  She would grab a rag to remove the mucous that came up out of his lungs.  She would joke with him, ask him questions, check on how he was feeling, and she would feed him.  She kept jello in the refrigerator because it would bring a small comfort and help to cool the burning radiation sores in his mouth.  She mixed a pill in apple sauce so he could swallow it better.  And she would always stay alert to his breathing, watching to see if his chest would rise and fall.  She was the representation of Christ’s mercy.  The epitome of tireless love in action.

My father could do nothing to repay her for her attentiveness and her assistance.  He could barely speak (and mostly did not), and was hardly conscious or alert most of the time.  She did those things for him, with no praises or accolades, out of the sheer love she held for him.    In watching this, it made me think deeply.  All of us will be in this position eventually.  We all grow old, our bodies waste away, and we develop diseases and sicknesses that make us incapable of caring for ourselves.  Who will be the one beside you in that time, when you are unable to care for yourself?

When my wife left, this was the greatest thing that bothered me most.  She had broken the trust of being there for me when we were wrinkled and gray.  It is so important to consider the cost of marriage.  This is how it ends if you are determined to live out faithfully “til death do us part”.  One spouse sacrificially caring for the other.

If you are dating, or thinking of dating, may I tempt you to consider these questions:

“What do I want my life to be like from this point forward?”  Right now, this very moment, no matter what your past has been or how you’ve been hurt or hurt others in your relationships…answer this question.  Are you willing to submit yourself to serving God with your life…to serving others instead of yourself?  To look to their needs instead of your own?  Are you willing to open your life to the Love of God, and allow Him to shower that love onto others around you?  Who do you want to live for?  What will be your purpose?  Look ahead, what do you see?  Who do you see?  Now look for that person who can help you get there.

“Will they be there for me?”   Think about the character of the person that you need.  You will be old one day!  Do you see them being able to stay with you through it all?  Will they put their hands into your urine and feces?  Will they make sure you are comfortable?  Will they prepare you something to eat?  Or will they walk away and let someone else take care of you?  Will they even care about you if you cannot meet their needs?  Will they focus on themselves, or will they reach deep within a reservoir of selfless devotion and commitment to honor and care for you as God wills them to do so?

“Can I be there for them?”  Do you have what it takes to care for this person when they need you the most?  And they will need you.  Do you have that reservoir of sacrificial love within you to help them as God would have you to do?

“At the end, can I say that my life had more purpose and fulfillment with them, than without?”  Are they your companion?  Is your relationship mutually invested and fueled by each other’s care and concern for the other?  Is it one sided?  Are you doing everything to make it work?  If so, it will always be that way, and you will be very alone.  Do you have a shared goal, or ministry to others?  A spiritual foundation is a must if you want to find joy and peace in your relationship.  Do they lead you to a higher purpose, do they seek out ways that you can serve others together?    My parents’s shared beliefs and ministries strengthened their bond with each other, and developed a faith that showed up in their unyielding love.

In the late hours of night, my father took his last breath on earth, and took his first step in Heaven.  My mother was by his side.  Holding his hand.  Watching his chest fall, but never rise.

Who will be the one beside you?

 

The Release

It is time

Open your hand,
wide…wider still

Loosen your grip,
Offer them,
Those that stand
On naked palm
Whose roots
Implant your heart

Your lost child
Your dying father
Your suffering love
Your parted friend

Stand before Me
And believe
They are mine
And not your own
I will find them
I will raise them
I will restore them
I will keep them

In the beauty of My Presence
In the comfort of My Love
They will stand in strength
Forever by My side
In glory beyond compare
I will clothe them
And they will reign
In laughter, and in song

Release them
Now

And while the tendrils break
And you writhe in pain
Trust My Love for them
Is far greater
Than you could ever know
For you, like they, are merely made
And I am the Maker
And where they go
You will come
In but a moment more

Open your hand
Wide…wider still

-by DeM